Top 10 Movie Assassins

Year: 2007


In real life, assassinations are unfortunate and gruesome. But in Hollywood, the assassins are either ultra-glam or incredibly shadowy — plus they have high-tech weaponry, million-dollar contracts and shady mafia connections — making them ridiculously fun to watch.
Wow! Movies can make just about anything horrific seem wicked-fresh. Take new assassin movie, Smokin’ Aces, which opens on Jan. 26: it follows rival assassins who race to kill a two-bit magician and notorious mob informant named Buddy Israel. Huzzah! We’re crossing our fingers that they totally smoke his ass.
In celebration, we’ve compiled a list of our Top 10 assassins in film. These are the men and women whose adherence to the killer’s code makes them the ideal people to call if you ever need to buy someone a pine condo.

10) Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
Hitpeople: Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox, Daryl Hannah, Michael Madsen)
The Hit: When forcing someone to kneel at the pearly gates, there’s no room for compassion, as aptly demonstrated by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (DiVAS). When assigned to assassinate The Bride (Uma Thurman), the DiVAS carry out their task at her wedding, murdering the entire wedding party and proceeding to kick their pregnant target around before their leader, Bill (David Carradine), delivers a bullet to her head.
The Score: 0 golden bullets out of 5. The first rule of contract killing is to make sure the target actually dies. When he or she doesn’t, it’s embarrassing. When it takes four people to carry out the hit and he or she still doesn’t die, well, that’s just down right humiliating.

9) The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
Hitman: Ben Marco (Denzel Washington)
The Hit: When deciding to pursue a career that involves the formal introduction of individuals to their maker, one cannot discriminate: the consummate assassin must be willing to kill anyone, including political figures. In this remake of the Frank Sinatra classic, hard-line soldier Marco is embroiled in a political assassination plot that finds him sending a bullet through vice-presidential candidate Raymond Shaw (Liev Schreiber) after he wins the election.
The Score: 1 golden bullet out of 5. Yes, political targets are high-profile scores, but it turns out that Marco was just some pawn in the avaricious scheme of a multinational corporation. A real assassin has control of his or her senses at all times and isn’t some brain-washed patsy under the thumb of The Man.

8) Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Hitmen: Snakes (Snakes)
The Hit: When it comes time to launch someone into eternity, no one does it better than nature’s predators. In this B-list thriller, crates of venomous snakes are smuggled into the cargo hold of a plane carrying the intended target — a federal witness to a mafia-connected killing. With the aid of pheromones, the snakes get their kill on, including a particularly gruesome death, which involves a Burmese python falling from a lighting panel and eating some guy’s head.
The Score: 1.5 golden bullets out of 5. Points are given for inventiveness, but the professional assassin must carry out his or her task with efficiency and precision. Unleashing a bunch of motherfuckin’ snakes on a motherfuckin’ plane makes for a rollicking good time, indeed, but there are too many variables and there’s no guarantee that the target will be hit.

7) Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)
Hitpeople: John Smith (Brad Pitt), Jane Smith (Angelina Jolie)
The Hit: Killing is a lonely business. The assassin must learn that personal life becomes almost non-existent when their primary task is to baste the formaldehyde turkey. Yet, in this box-office smash, husband and wife team Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Pitt/Jolie) learn to overcome their differences and blast the hell out of a building full of thugs — but not before they demolish their house trying to assassinate each other. The Score: 2 golden bullets out of 5. To borrow the sage-laced words from the timeless classic Heat: “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner…how do you expect to keep a marriage?” Truer words were never said. Sure, Mr. and Mrs. Smith made killing look sexy, but death isn’t a doubles’ match, friends.

6) Road to Perdition
Hitman: Michael Sullivan Sr. (Tom Hanks)
The Hit: The professional contract killer doesn’t always have to be under the authority of a shady employer. Sometimes, he or she has to strike out on his or her own. The best way to do that is to introduce everyone who has power over you to the fishes. Take Sullivan: after his wife and young son are murdered, he hatches an elaborate scheme that involves embezzling funds from Al Capone, all in the name of wiping out the crime syndicate that used to employ him.
The Score: 3 golden bullets out of 5. Taking out an entire crime family is ballsy. Unfortunately, Sullivan suffers from a little thing called compassion (the hitman’s kryptonite), which he displays by consistently putting his eldest son’s safety before his own. Sissy.

5) Collateral (2004)
Hitman: Vincent (Tom Cruise)
The Hit: When dealing in death, maintaining a low-key identity is crucial in order to avoid getting caught by the police or ruthless people seeking revenge. In Collateral, Vincent bypasses detection by getting a string of unsuspecting cab drivers to take him to his hits. Afterward, he manipulates the situation to make it look like the drivers were the killers.
The Score: 3 golden bullets out of 5. The greatest trick that the devil ever played was convincing mankind that he didn’t exist. Vincent would get a perfect score if he didn’t bite it in the end. (See: Leon for “hitmen should stay alive” rule).

4) The Professional (1994)
Hitman: Leon (Jean Reno)
The Hit: When it comes to inducing the big sleep, a conscientious hitman knows that it’s not enough to just kill someone; he or she has to kill them dead. That’s why a Plan B is absolutely essential. Take the explosive final scene in The Professional. After stone-faced killer Leon is shot in the back of the head by corrupt DEA agent Stansfield (Gary Oldman), the boy in blue leans over to give Leon some verbal comeuppance. Much to his deathly surprise, Leon pulls the ring on a grenade that’s strapped to his chest and blows up the both of them. Now, that’s called dedication to your craft.
The Score: 3.5 golden bullets out of 5. Sure, killing yourself along with your mark is the ultimate in dedication, but, ideally, you want to stay alive to continue your contract killing spree.

3) La Femme Nikita/Point of No Return (1991/1993)
Hitwoman: Nikita/Nina (Anne Parillaud/Bridget Fonda)
The Hit: Not just any Joe can be a contract killer. Years of training are essential before one is licensed to decide for whom the bell tolls. Take the “graduate” scene from La Femme Nikita and its U.S. remake, Point of No Return. In both, the assassins-in-training are treated to what seems like a fancy dinner until their shadowy boss figures slide a gift-wrapped gun across the table and orders them to take out a target right there in the upscale restaurant. Maximum carnage ensues, including a kick-ass escape scene, which involves a rocket launcher and a garbage chute.
The Score: 4 golden bullets out of 5. Nothing says “baptism by fire” like a trainee’s first professional kill. Nina/Nikita not only pulled off a successful kill in a crowded room but proved that they’ve got what it takes to survive until the next contract.

2) Desperado (1995)
Hitman: El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas)
The Hit: The professional assassin must have an inventive mind. One cannot simply walk up to their target and shoot them point blank. Sometimes, subterfuge is necessary. Take El Mariachi. Not only do machine guns and rocket launchers double as guitar cases but the slick assassin can conjure up guns by simply running his hand through his hair. And, if that’s not unbelievable enough, dude can take out two targets while falling backward off of a roof.
The Score: 4.5 golden bullets out of 5. Hell, if someone’s going to cash in your chips, you might as well be amazed while they’re doing it.

1) Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)
Hitwoman: Beatrix Kiddo a.k.a. Black Mamba, a.k.a. The Bride (Uma Thurman)
The Hit: Deciding who you’re going to kick off the oxygen habit doesn’t always have to be a question of money. Sometimes, the motive can be revenge. After having her wedding party killed and her daughter stolen, The Bride continues her unadulterated vengeance fest (begun in Vol. 1). After working her way through four of the world’s deadliest assassins with the help of her Hattori Hanzo sword, The Bride confronts and kills the man responsible for her woes, Bill.
The Score: 5 golden bullets out of 5. Six words: Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Enough said.


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